Sunday, 19 April 2020

Specialist homeschooling subject- Neighbours

Usually when the kids go back to school after the holidays we all exhale a silent breath of relief, children included.

We’d have had fun, but are all quietly craving a bit of normality, a bit of routine.

There is the Sunday night panic to find everyone’s school uniforms, PE kit, quickly rustle up the homework that’s been requested in a letter scrunched up in the bottom of a book bag.

There’s the Monday morning race to get out of the front door before the school gates are shut, and then calm.

Quiet.

Followed by a day of sharing an office with grown ups that I look forward to seeing.

Of being surrounded by different four walls from those at home.

Of buying an overpriced Panini in a café and enjoying a coffee without someone instantly needing me to find a grey pair of pants that are the only things that they can possibly wear, otherwise they are definitely not getting dressed that day.

For example.

So, how the fuck are we supposed to do anything different tomorrow to convince the kids that they are, in actual fact, ‘back at school’?

What can change to differentiate from ‘holiday at home’ to ‘school at home’?

 I have the impending sense of doom as Monday fast approaches.

My five-year-old already gleefully tells me how much he loves homeschooling, as he ‘barely learns anything,’ which I think is a bit of a tough review.

It’s the familiar back to school fear that I used to get after a long breezy summer holiday.

But this time, it’s not because I can’t remember how to hold a pen properly.

It’s the thought of my two children looking at me like I’m a total idiot, as I attempt to understand what it is they are actually meant to be learning.

Up until now they are under the misguided illusion that I know stuff.

That if they ask a question, which they do ALL THE TIME, that I will know the answer.

But that mask is slipping.

Oh how the mighty will fall as they slowly realise that I don’t remember or, for that matter possibly knew in the first place, half the stuff an eight and a five year old are now learning.

However, if they do want to learn anything about Neighbours between the years 1988 - 1999, then I am here as their Master and will happily impart all my knowledge, which I can confidently say, is extensive. 


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