Things I have learnt from camping in France with two under-fives for a fortnight.
1. Clean out the car immediately if someone pukes in it. It’s not going to smell any better after two weeks in the baking sun.
2. A second bottle of vin rouge seems like a good idea at 10.30pm, but isn’t such a winner at 5am when your two-year-old has done a poo and it’s leaked into his sleeping bag.
3. Download a shitload of Peppa Pig’s onto your iPad, it is the only way to get five minutes lie-in in the morning.
4. After five minutes your kids will lose patience with Peppa Pig and each other, and start fighting really loudly. That’s fine when you’re in a house with sound-proof walls, but in a tent people can hear EVERYTHING. Including your bollockings.
5. You can hear everything from other people’s tents. Not everyone has children but are still ‘noisy’ at night.
6. If you have a cool box, buy those blue freezer things to go in them. And if you remember them, remember they have to actually be frozen, otherwise you are just heating up a shitload of smelly cheese in an insulated hot bag.
7. However big your car, you will always over-pack. Your children will not be able to see each other in the back. You will have no legroom in the passenger seat and it will be like being set in concrete for the best part of eight-hour journeys.
8. However full your car, there is always, ALWAYS room for a fuck load of cheap wine to bring home.
9. Your children will only remember the good bits; making friends, being allowed to go to the playground on the campsite on their own for the first time, spending their pocket money on friendship bracelets and tat from vending machines. They won’t remember having their knees under their chin for the long hot car journey home as they have five boxes of wine in their footwell.
10. I have no idea if number 9 is true. But I’m hoping it is.