At
what point to you get back to being ‘in a relationship’ when you have children?
Six
months? Nine months? A year? When they go to nursery/ Primary school/ secondary
school?
I
wish there was some way of being able to chart the journey back to ‘normality’.
Or if it’s never going to happen, that someone was honest enough to let you
know pre-children that kids sabotage your relationship for the rest of your
life together, so you get the chance to go on some decent mini-breaks before you
get pregnant.
The
things that bring you together in the first place can end up being held by a
thread when you throw children in the mix.
Affection-
there would have been the point when you first met your partner when you couldn’t
keep your hands off each other.
You’d find excuses just to brush arms
with them. And as you became more comfortable with each other, you’d
automatically move hair from their eyes, squeeze their legs, or interlock arms.
You
grew into a natural physical extension of each other.
You
have children and they immediately swell into that space. Children are
instinctively affectionate. They want to be so close to you that they could
live inside your skin again.
Your
baby couldn’t be happier than sleeping on the small inch of exposed flesh on
your arm, her head precariously balanced.
Your
toddler would prefer you to carry them around upside down, blood gushing to
their head, than walk alongside you.
That
need for touch; for closeness; for comfort, is filled by your children.
Communication-
the art of talking. There was a time in your relationship when you talked about
stuff outside the day-to-day.
You
dreamed together; talked about your ideals, your politics, your visions for your
shared future. You let those dreams grow, take shape and then jointly explored
how you could make them happen.
Talking
when you have children is more a tick list to make sure everyone knows where
everyone else has to be and when. And if you manage to discuss how your own day
has been in the evening over a glass of wine, then you’re doing pretty fucking
well.
You
push back for the time together. For those moments when you try and recreate
how it used to be.
And
there’s too much pressure.
How
do you act on a date with a man you’ve lived with for ten years?
Without
venturing into weird role-play, how do you make the swift transition from the
parents you were, moments ago, putting your children to bed, to the couple who
are sitting opposite each other in the pub round the corner, both with phones
out in case the babysitter rings?
Is
there a ‘don’t talk about the ‘children/ house/ bills/ the camping trip we’ve
spoken about but haven’t had time to book’ policy?
Or
do you get that all out the way first? Work through the personal admin list, then
tidy up your papers like a newsreader, before cranking up the fun?
Some
couples who are having relationship problems supposedly have children to
attempt to cement it. If people do actually
do this, I ask them, why?
And then say, good fucking luck.
Children
bring out the very best and the very worst in you as individuals.
You
develop a capacity for love that you never realised you had before.
Unconditional,
you can puke/ shit/ piss all over me and
I’d prefer to hold you tight to comfort you than change my T-shirt kind of
love.
You
become stronger with the person you have had children with, but by building on a
strength that’s already there.
Because
your partner will drive you fucking mental when you bring children into the
equation.
You
will have conflicting views on virtually everything. The bits about them that
annoyed you before children are suddenly magnified by about a thousand at 2am when
your baby is crying.
Your
love for each other becomes the bass line.
You
can’t question it because the house of cards falls down if you do.
But
you do need to feed it.
You
need to remember why you chose to be in each other’s lives in the first place.
It
wasn’t to do each other’s laundry, or sit through each other’s annoying choice
of TV programme. It wasn’t to shout at each other when you’re so tired you’ve
forgotten the art of listening. And it definitely wasn’t to blame each other
for the things that haven’t worked out in your own day.
It’s
because that person was and still is pretty ace.
It’s
just their aceness has manifested into something else.
And
their love has grown to include the people you’ve made together.
Maybe
the affection and conversation will come back.
But
in the meantime, don’t forget to ask how each other are doing.
And
grab the squeezes when you can.
fab reminder Anna. thank you x
ReplyDeletexx
DeleteGreat read, thank you x
ReplyDeletexx
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