I'm in a pub function room dancing to Thriller. It's dark. The floor's sticky with spilt drinks. And everyone's going mental. Like properly crazy- screaming, stamping feet, the works.
It's a Halloween party and people have made some serious effort with their costumes. There's devils, witches, fairies; you name it.
It's 2 o'clock.
That's 2 in the afternoon and I'm with my three year old daughter.
Everyone knows that your social life takes a bit of a battering when you have kids. Alongside that, I feel like my musical references are now almost entirely drawn from an eclectic mix of Steve Wright in the Afternoon and Peppa Pig's Madame Gazelle.
And companies have started to capitalise on this. They can smell the desperation of mums who haven't been out for weeks, possibly months, potentially years.
So they've organised discos for kids in pubs.
On paper, this sounds immense.
You get to go out, listen to loud music, have a shandy and entertain your child at the same time.
But the reality is the people who have organised them have almost definitely never had children.
A tad unfair maybe, but if I was going to put on a do for mums and kids there are several things I'd do:
1. Clean the fag butts up from outside. There's nothing grimmer that your child presenting you with a dog end as a gift.
2. Serve food that isn't going to make kids go totally crackers. If you say you're going to provide a buffet, don't just serve jelly as the main course. And three year old don't get the concept of using a skewer for a chocolate fountain. It's more of a massive chocolate tap to them.
3. Play music that people born in the late 70s/ early 80s can enjoy. My daughter literally doesn't give two shits what she listens to. Her repertoire includes Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Wind the Bobbin Up and The Wheels on the Bus. Great for a sing along to in a community centre but none of them have a floor-shaking bass. Whereas I would kill to listen to 'You've got the Love' on louder than volume 5 on our rubbish, tinny stereo.
But it's not all bad. I'm in the pub. I'm with my friends. I might only be listening to five Halloween themed songs on loop. But then 'Ghostbusters' is a classic. Who wouldn't want to listen to it 4 times an hour?
Another bonus is you're not going to get the impending sense of doom the following morning when you wake up and find a wallet full of receipts for drinks you've bought in the pub.
It's hard to spend more the a fiver on a round of orange squashes.
And the whole thing is finished by 4pm.
So, practically speaking, you can have a dance, an activity for the children, and still be home in time for Come Dine with Me.