Sunday, 2 March 2014

Week 129- baby denial, Bad Boys 2 and slipping out like a bar of soap...


I know I should have accepted this by now.

I'm as big as a house.

I make that hugely unattractive old man noise whenever I heave myself off the ass shaped indent on the sofa.

And spend my life intermittently downing Twirls and Gaviscon.

But I think I've been in denial. 

A bit. 

By a bit I mean loads.

I've got three more weeks till I go on maternity leave.

The immediacy of that started to sink in this weekend. 

I suddenly started to panic my face off, and to paraphrase Bad Boys 2, thought, 'this shit just got real.'

Up until now I've kind of thought vaguely about another person 'joining the team.' 

A bit like when you get a new colleague at work who takes a while to learn the ropes but eventually just gets on with it, and slots in, like they've always known the procedure to claim expenses and remembered who drinks Rooibos when doing the tea round.

I've made plans for the time I'm on maternity leave. 

Not 'a trip back home to see my mum' kind of plans. 

More, 'I've got to cowrite a play which is due to be performed in London in September' kind of plans. 

And the baby is just going to have to fit in with that. 


It's like I've had a lobotomy when it comes to remembering the amount of work the early stages of mothering involves. 

How long you sit around breast feeding. 

The stitches. 

The cracked nipples. 

The mastitis. 

And the all time killer. 

The lack of sleep.

This is all going to happen. To me. In 7 weeks.

Now, God knows I'm not the first women to have a child. 

And I know that some women slip them out like a bar of soap and are back in the board room three weeks later. 

But I don't know how.

I guess I've got to man up. 

Dust of the steriliser. 

Wipe down the breast pump. 

And get ready for family life stage two.

And to quote from another classic film, when I look at Nancy, I think, as Mr Wang in The Goonies did of his son, Data, 'you are my greatest invention.'

So it's time to turn down the fear and remember that we're getting ready to welcome our greatest invention, part deux. 

*quick plea... if you enjoy my blog, please could you vote for it in the Best Blog Writer category in the MAD awards here Voting closes on Friday. MASSIVOS THANKS! x


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