Sunday, 6 May 2012

Week 35- velour tracksuits, separation anxiety and Floella Benjamin

I've got two jumpers that I wear on rotation these days. Partly because I like them, but mainly because I don't have the imagination to work out what else I can discreetly get my boobs out in public in.

One's blue, and the other one has anchors printed on it. That one's more obvious if I wear it several days on the trot.

I remember looking at pictures of my mum from when I was little, and thinking it looked like she only owned one purple, velour jumper, as she was wearing it in virtually every picture from 1978- 1981. Now I understand why.

As I put the blue one on the other day, I noticed that it had mango puree smeared all down the front from when Nancy had lobbed her spoon earlier that day. But instead of changing into the other jumper, I just covered it up with a scarf. Didn't even think about sponging it off. And then we went out for the day.

The week before, as I was changing Nancy, she did a live wee that went all over the changing mat, and soaked into my jeans as I was kneeling on it at the time.

I've got more than one pair. Granted, they don't all fit properly. In fact the other pairs were ambitious charity shop purchases for me to 'slim into'. But instead of even attempting to squeeze into them, I hair dried the wee, and wore them for days afterwards.

I can't work out if it's because it's Nancy wee, and she's part of me, that made me not care.

Or if it's that I've turned into a skeff.

There was a time when I was about 15 when I would have spent half a years allowance on getting dreadlocks, if it wouldn't have resulted in getting grounded for life.

Instead, I settled for not washing my hair loads, putting twat wraps in it (embroidery thread wrapped around a thin plait with a bead at the end, reminiscent of holidays in Portugal) and wearing tie dye T-shirts and MC Hammer style trousers.

I must have looked a bit like Floella Benjamin.

And I thought I looked brilliant.

Now I genuinely can't get it together to wash my hair as much as I should, I know I don't.

But is this just what happens when you have small children? You stop giving a shit all together?

Nancy is starting to realise she's not part of me anymore. She cries when I go out of her sight line. Or if I give Ebba a cuddle. Or put her down for a second.

She thinks I'm going to leave her and not come back. Separation anxiety. It's heartbreaking. And I don't know what to do to console her.

Well, I do. I sing badly at her. And she's fine, until she can't see me again.

And I wonder what it must be like to realise you are your own person. That the big lump in blue or anchor print, whose been feeding you and carrying you around since you were born is not, in fact, an extension of yourself, but an entirely different person all together.

What she doesn't realise now is that she'll always be a part of me.


I don't mean just emotionally.

But that she has my bum chin. That we already both throw our heads back when laughing. That there will be characteristics, and aspects to her personality that are already set out. That there will be similarities that will become more obvious the older she gets.

And I'll shine with pride when people say, 'ooh, you're just like your mum.'

But by the time she completely understands that, it will probably coincide with when she's desperate to resist it and claim her independence.

Find her 2030 version of dreadlocks and tie dye dungarees.

And she'll look back at pictures of us when she was a baby, and be like, 'mum, did you seriously only have two jumpers? And what's that all down your jeans?'

19 comments:

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    Replies


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    3. What a miracle i never believe there is cure because my doctor tested me Herpes positive and she told me there is no cure, i’m very happy today that i’m having a free life without this sickness, i can remember some months ago when i was crying all through the night and day that i can’t get cured from this sickness, i found this herbal man email on internet when i was doing research on cure for Herpes i contacted him to found out if i can get help from this sickness, i was so surprise when he told me that he have the herbs cure to it and he sent me the herbal in less down 2-3 days i was so happy when i get someone giving me hope that he can cured me i took the herbal for just 2 weeks, when i went for test after taking the herbal i found out that i am cured i was so happy and surprise, i want to use this opportunity to inform you that there is cured to Herpes you can also contact him for his help as soon as possible so that you can get rid of this sickness once and for all you can reach him through this email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or whatsApp him on +2348132777335 You can also contact him on any sickness in this he all have the herbal cure to it


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    4. I am here to testify about a great herbal spell caster called Dr.ezomo who
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  2. Wow i never thought i will happy in my life ever again, i want you all to thank DR OGUDUGU of GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM, he is a father that takes care of his children the spell caster of our time, he has saved me from a very ugly situation that almost made my life miserable and i want you all to thank him for me,my husband and i have be married for so many years now with children and the relationship was being threatened by a small girl in his working place,she was almost destroying my home i met so many spell casters but to no avail until i met a friend who came from africa and she told me about DR OGUDUGU, and i decided to contact him and try him out as i was losing faith in all spell casters, but he told not to worry that now am in his temple everything will be alright he assured me 100% that his spell has no side effects and that it will work straight and save my home and my marriage and after he has performed the sacrifices and casted the spell, my husband came back to us with love and affection and he loved us more and more and he never looked back or none did his love for me waiver, if you are also experiencing this sort of your situation in your home, if your husband is drifting away, if you are experiencing a broken home or you have lost your husband to a young woman outside there then look no further help is here as GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM is ready to help you out okay for any of your problem is it financial needs, revenge spell,Hiv cure, job spell, promotion spell what kind of spell do you need DR OGUDUGU is going to solve it for you okay i have promised him to always talk of his good works to the world in general and to any body who cares to listen, you can email him on his personal email on GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM or his website @ www.greatdrogudugusolutiontemple.webs.com and he will attend to you as soon as possible okay once again his email is GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow i never thought i will happy in my life ever again, i want you all to thank DR OGUDUGU of GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM, he is a father that takes care of his children the spell caster of our time, he has saved me from a very ugly situation that almost made my life miserable and i want you all to thank him for me,my husband and i have be married for so many years now with children and the relationship was being threatened by a small girl in his working place,she was almost destroying my home i met so many spell casters but to no avail until i met a friend who came from africa and she told me about DR OGUDUGU, and i decided to contact him and try him out as i was losing faith in all spell casters, but he told not to worry that now am in his temple everything will be alright he assured me 100% that his spell has no side effects and that it will work straight and save my home and my marriage and after he has performed the sacrifices and casted the spell, my husband came back to us with love and affection and he loved us more and more and he never looked back or none did his love for me waiver, if you are also experiencing this sort of your situation in your home, if your husband is drifting away, if you are experiencing a broken home or you have lost your husband to a young woman outside there then look no further help is here as GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM is ready to help you out okay for any of your problem is it financial needs, revenge spell,Hiv cure, job spell, promotion spell what kind of spell do you need DR OGUDUGU is going to solve it for you okay i have promised him to always talk of his good works to the world in general and to any body who cares to listen, you can email him on his personal email on GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM or his website @ www.greatdrogudugusolutiontemple.webs.com and he will attend to you as soon as possible okay once again his email is GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM.

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  4. Thank you Dr. Okuns, your herbal medicine is a good remedy for herpes cure, and Removing Warts! You can contact Dr. Okuns via E-mail: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of diseases solutions or WhatsApp him on: +2348078467513

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    ReplyDelete
  5. I have taught of so many ways to show appreciation to Dr.Ogudugu for is help in reuniting myself and my lover that left me for almost two weeks ago, But i believe that through this means i will be able to let more people to know about Dr.Ogudugu. Without wasting much time i have decided that i will write down Dr.Ogudugu contact detail which is through email: greatogudugu@gmail.com. If i got my lover back through these detail then trust me a lot of people out can still rescue there relationship only if they believe and contact Dr.Ogudugu through his detail Website: http://greatdrogudugusolutiontemple.webs.com/

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  6. REAL CURE FOR GENITAL HERPES, HIV/AIDS, CANCER, DIABATES, HEPATITIS B, VAGINAL AND ITCHING BURING, WITH PROVE..

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    ReplyDelete
  7. thanks to dr.abaka for his good work I never believe that HIV has cure, I
    was HIV positive over 2 year now before I came across a comment about how
    dr.abaka cure HIV and herpes disease but when I saw it i have it in mind
    that he can’t cure HIV I just decided to give it a try I contact him that
    night luckily to me he replied me, but I don’t believe him I thought it was
    a scam but I still hold on to see the work of Dr abaka if he is saying the
    truth he ask for some details about me i gave him all he needed and I
    waited to see his reply to my problem after all, he told me to go for check
    up and I went for HIV test I cant believe I was negative,am so happy and
    grateful to God for using Dr abaka to cure me, that is the reason why i
    decided to write this wonderful testimony of how i was cured, i recommend
    Dr abaka to you all around the world,contact him on his Email drabakaspelltemple@gmail.com or you can also reach him through +2349063230051 thanks dr.abaka for helping me at this young age if you need help contact, He can also cure so many sickness

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank to Dr.ZUKU i will forever continuously testify Dr.Zuku for changing my life with your herbs Remedy, i have be Suffering from HEPATITIS B over Three years ago i have battled with this virus and was about to ruin my entire body,I have been living with this virus and it has been giving me challenges,one morning i was browsing through the internet then i saw several testimonies about Dr.Zuku curing people from HEPATITIS B and immediately i contacted Dr.Zuku on his email and he assure me that will prepared herbal medicine and when after drinking for 2 weeks i went back to my doctor and my result came out HEPATITIS B negative.Viewers i am so glad, email Dr.Zuku and get your cure. Email: drzukuspelltemple@gmail.com call or text for more information +16177296273 contact Dr Zuku Blogs https://drzukuspelltemple.blogspot.co.ke/

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a miracle i never believe there is cure because my doctor tested me Herpes positive and she told me there is no cure, i’m very happy today that i’m having a free life without this sickness, i can remember some months ago when i was crying all through the night and day that i can’t get cured from this sickness, i found this herbal man email on internet when i was doing research on cure for Herpes i contacted him to found out if i can get help from this sickness, i was so surprise when he told me that he have the herbs cure to it and he sent me the herbal in less down 2-3 days i was so happy when i get someone giving me hope that he can cured me i took the herbal for just 2 weeks, when i went for test after taking the herbal i found out that i am cured i was so happy and surprise, i want to use this opportunity to inform you that there is cured to Herpes you can also contact him for his help as soon as possible so that you can get rid of this sickness once and for all you can reach him through this email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or whatsApp him on +2348132777335 You can also contact him on any sickness in this he all have the herbal cure to it


    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you Dr. Okuns, your herbal medicine is a good remedy for herpes cure, and Removing Warts! You can contact Dr. Okuns via E-mail: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of diseases solutions or WhatsApp him on: +2348078467513

    My name is Mary Hanson, am from United State. I want the general public
    to know how this great man called Dr. Okuns cure me and my sister from GENITAL HERPES with the herbal medicine gotten from him, he cures other diseases too like STD, SYPHILIS, My own was worst I have suffered for Human papilloma virus HPV) for 2years he cure me too, herbal is a great medication. he have a medicine that is 100% percent assured to cure any type of disease and you don't need to spend so much money anymore . I want you to contact Dr. Okuns on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com My family is now a brand new one, so stop your worries and go get your herbal medicine now to get your family free from deadly disease. Once again thanks to Dr. Okuns you can contact him now via phone number: +2348078467513

    ReplyDelete
  12. I had my first outbreak of oral herpes nearly 4 years ago. Of all the horribleness, the pain and itching were unbearable. I literally freaked out as my general physician said that it had no cure. The outbreaks were not that frequent initially, but every time I'd fall sick, it would resurface. I had so many sores last year that I was desperate to try anything to get rid of them. Three months ago a friend suggested that I try Mama Anita I looked up their site and indeed they have had immense success with their product. They also have some research going on for an ingredient. I quickly ordered the product and started using it. I'm so relieved to say that I've not had even one outbreak for a 8 month now. Moreover, I'm feeling great from within. I truly endorse this product, it really work,You can contact her now on email... (mamaanita.lovespellsolution@gmail.com) or africabestvodoospell@fastservice.com

    ReplyDelete

  13. Happiness is all i see now I never thought that I will be cured from HERPES virus again. I have been suffering from a deadly disease (HERPES) for the past 3 years now, I had spent a lot of money going from one places to another, from churches to churches, hospitals have been my home every day residence. Constant checks up have been my hobby not until this faithful day, I was searching through the internet, I saw a testimony on how Dr Ogudugu helped someone in curing his HERPES disease, quickly I copied his email which is greatogudugu@gmail.com just to give him a test I spoke to him, he asked me to do some certain things which I did, he told me that he is going to provide the herbal cure to me, which he did, then he asked me to go for medical checkup after some days after using the herbal cure, behold I was free from the deadly disease, he only asked me to post the testimony through the whole world, faithfully am doing it now, please brothers and sisters, he is great, I owe him in return. If you are having a similar problem just email him on ( greatogudugu@gmail.com ) or you can whatsApp his mobile number on +27663492930

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you Dr. Okuns, your herbal medicine is a good remedy for GENITAL HERPES CUER, and Removing Warts you can contact him via E-mail: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of diseases solutions or WhatsApp him on: +2348078467513

    My name is Mary Hanson, am from United State. I want the general public to know how this great man called Dr. Okuns cure me from GENITAL HERPES with the herbal medicine gotten from him, he cures other diseases too like STD, SYPHILIS, BRAIN TUMOR, CANCER. My sister own was worst she suffered for Human papilloma virus HPV) for 2years and he cure me too, herbal is a great medication. he have a medicine that is 100% percent sure to cure any type of disease and you don't need to spend so much money anymore. I want you to contact Dr. Okuns on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of sickness or disease, My family is now a brand new one, so stop your worries and go get your herbal medicine now to get your family free from deadly disease. Once again thanks to Dr. Okuns you can contact him now via phone number: +2348078467513 or email him on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you Dr. Okuns, your herbal medicine is a good remedy for GENITAL HERPES CUER, and Removing Warts you can contact him via E-mail: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of diseases solutions or WhatsApp him on: +2348078467513

    My name is Mary Hanson, am from United State. I want the general public to know how this great man called Dr. Okuns cure me from GENITAL HERPES with the herbal medicine gotten from him, he cures other diseases too like STD, SYPHILIS, BRAIN TUMOR, CANCER. My sister own was worst she suffered for Human papilloma virus HPV) for 2years and he cure me too, herbal is a great medication. he have a medicine that is 100% percent sure to cure any type of disease and you don't need to spend so much money anymore. I want you to contact Dr. Okuns on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com for any types of sickness or disease, My family is now a brand new one, so stop your worries and go get your herbal medicine now to get your family free from deadly disease. Once again thanks to Dr. Okuns you can contact him now via phone number: +2348078467513 or email him on: herbal.home247@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete